Before getting pregnant I had these grand ideas about how great it would be, and how fun, and how cute I would look. I knew it would have tough days too, I knew I wouldn’t enjoy every moment. But I thought I would enjoy it more than I have.
Everyone says I look cute, I just feel fat. I am suffering from extremely low self esteem right now. I feel like a cow, even though I haven’t gained a lot, and I am right on trace, I have lost almost all my muscle mass, mostly because I am too exhausted/physically incapable of working out. In the beginning it was my sciatic, and I quit walking and zumba, now I’ve added carpal tunnel, so my hands constantly hurt and lifting any weights, pushups, even carrying heavy things hurts. Also the fact that I have just let myself go so bad that I get winded carrying laundry up the stairs. I am seriously going to have my work cut out for me once I have baby E and I can physically get back into working out.
My plan is to start with cardio, I’ve got a treadmill, so I can get on it while E is sleeping. I want to get a nice jogging stroller so as soon as the weather is nice I can hit the pavement. I am also hoping I can start up Zumba again, plus I have a plethora of workout DVD’s. The important thing is I have a plan, and I know things wont be easy, but it’ll be worth it.
Another not so glam thing I have been struggling with is my skin, (I am going to save my skin thing for a whole separate post though.)
I don’t know what I was thinking but I imagined I would do more, be more active. I have days when I barely move, I get up take the dogs potty, sit down, make lunch, sit back down, take the dogs potty again, sit back down, refill my drink, sit back down. It’s no wonder that I have no muscle mass left and I am all flabby. The most action my arms get is shoveling food/drink into my mouth.
I am moody, and often a little depressed, depressed because I wanted to enjoy pregnancy, not be miserable. Then I feel worse, because there are so many people who have it worse than me, and they suck it up and deal. I just sit here and complain. I am also depressed about my body, I’ve never been a skinny girl, I’ve always struggled with my weight, but I am having a really hard time accepting the way I look. And moody, I can be downright mean sometimes. The things that go through my head, the things that don’t make it past my lips, yeah those things are really bad. Paul and I were talking last week and after I went on a tirade about siting in your stalled car and not attempting to move it, or making an effort to let other drivers know you are stopped at a light and not moving because your shit is broke (just thinking about it still pisses me off…) but anyway the conversation went like this: Me “being pregnant makes me irritable” Paul “No, being pregnant makes you MORE irritable”. So I am a cranky person to begin with, but right now I am just downright nasty. I’ve also been a little down because I haven’t had that “OMG I’M HAVING A BABY!” moment yet. I’m want to bond with her, I want to love her, it’s so hard to explain, but it’s still hard to believe I’m even having a baby, even though I can feel her moving all the time.
Minor medical issues are also frightening, for someone who is already dealing with anxiety the “what ifs” suck. There whole Down Syndrome thing was hella stressful. And then this week we have had the Gestational Diabetes, which I know is very common, and totally manageable, but still it’s scary as hell. But I did have the big 3hr GD test today and I won, I do not have Gestational Diabetes, Yay!
I’ve complained about the swelling before, and it’s another fact of life for pregnancy, but for me it started early, I started swelling around 19 weeks. I haven’t worn my wedding rings in two months. My shoes stopped fitting about a month and a half ago, and now I live in flipflops and slipper shoes. Putting on my work tennies usually causes more discomfort than just wearing shitty cheep slip ons.
I’ve also had a few “gross female issues” that have come up a few times, which again, I guess is normal, but not fun.
And my poor husband. I have zero libido. He really must love me.
Sorry to have sat here an complained for the last half a page, but so many of the pregnancy stories I read are all sunshine and rainbows. Mine is only a little sunshine and a few scattered rainbows. And I think things have just piled up this last few weeks, we have had a stressful time as a family unit because of some decisions that we are being forced to make that while in the long run will hopefully be good, in the short term they are throwing a huge wrench into things. (more on that soon, we should have some answers any day now) So I am using this as my outlet to just let it out so I don’t stab someone.
I want to add that there are many great things too. Feeling her move, shopping for her 🙂 knowing that I’ll have my little girl soon. But I think a majority of the wonderfulness will happen on her birthday, and beyond. I cannot wait for December.